2021 New Year’s Eve…

Most of you that are reading this post have been waiting for this day for a really long time as 2020 has been a nightmare for the most of us. Mainly because of the Covid-19 Pandemic and adapting to the new norm. Every New Year’s Eve and Birthday, I spend reflecting on my life and the year and today is no different. What has my 2020 been like? The most part of it was spent going to the hospital to see my Mom get her Vaccine Treatment or visiting her when she was admitted for atleast 4 days or up to a week’s period each time she had to be. The other part of the year was watching the news on the pandemic conditions here in Malaysia and looking out for quarantine measures. This year, I spent most of my time indoors at home and only going out when I really needed to only. Not forgetting heading over to my parents’ place to see Mom as she couldn’t walk since end of June and eventually became bedridden.

Most weekends were spent on Skype or Zoom Videocalls with Hubby when he wasn’t on some Onsite Work Trips. I still have not seen him since early July 2019 when he flew back to the US. He hates this distance as much as I do but we are left with no choice but to follow the rules that have been set in place.

Mom lost her battle to Cancer on the 18th of December 2020 and that was something Dad and I had to accept and deal with. We both miss her like crazy and wish that she was still with us but, we knew we had to let her go as she had been suffering since she couldn’t walk and she put up a good fight for herself and for us for the past 5 years. We’ll always cherish the precious moments we had with her. She’s missed by us, family and friends. Honestly, some days I still feel like it’s a dream. A dream that I hope to wake up from as it’s too difficult to accept the fact that she’s longer here with us. I’ve read that one doesn’t get over losing a loved one but one adapts to it. It doesn’t get easier but it becomes bearable as you learn to live with it.

Mom definitely was a big part of my year despite wishing we had more time together and for months now, I somewhat feel like me getting married last year was a blessing and it was meant to be as she was there to share the happy moment together as a family. I miss you so much Mee. I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing you. Dad I hope hope that the Lord is looking after you now and that you have reunited with Cookie, Hazel and other loved ones that have left us earlier on.

I’m not going to ask for 2021 to be a better year but, I want to learn to smile again if that’s even possible with the huge void that my Mom have left in my heart.

XoXo, VAS

Jealous of The Angels…

During my Mom’s Wake Ceremony, I heard this song and it struck a cord within me. I felt both sadness from the loss and also uplifted at the same time knowing that Mom isn’t suffering anymore and that she’s now with Our Lord until we meet again.

I didn’t know today would be our last
Or that I’d have to say goodbye to you so fast
I’m so numb, I can’t feel anymore
Prayin’ you’d just walk back through that door and tell me that I was only dreamin’
You’re not really gone as long as I believe there will be another angel
Around the throne tonight
Your love lives on inside of me
And I will hold on tight
It’s not my place to question
Only God knows why
I’m just jealous of the angels
Around the throne tonight you always made my troubles feel so small
And you were always there to catch me when I’d fall
In a world where heroes come and go
Well God just took the only one I know
So I’ll hold you as close as I can
Longing for the day, when I see your face again
But until…

XoXo, VAS

Decisions…

Eternity by Robbie Williams

Our whole life, we have decisions to make. Some more important than others. To be honest, because of my perfectionist nature. I sometimes struggle with them. I always fear that I might either regret my decision or make the wrong choice. I became a perfectionist because of the upbringing I had. My Mom used to say, “You either give your best or just don’t do it…” Because of those words, I have always strive to do the best I could in whatever that I’ve committed myself into.

Recently, because of my Mom’s health condition my Dad has been struggling with making decisions involving her. I know where he’s coming from because when Laurent or Saint is unwell, despite knowing what I should do, I will confide in my husband. I think sometimes, we all need some assurance as we’re scared of making the wrong decision no matter how sound they may be. After all, we’re all just humans and we will eventually make the wrong choice.

On Tuesday, 8th of December 2020 just a day after Mom was discharged from the hospital she had a fever and wasn’t eating or drinking and it got my Dad worried so he contacted the Palliative Doctor to come and check on Mom. He also called me over to their place to listen to our options which were only 2. Take her to the hospital or stay at home and Symptom Manage her pain and condition. If we chose the 2nd option, a Subcutaneous Cannula would have to be inserted into her arm so that we could administer her pain meds through it whenever she needs it.

Hearing that it will only help her manage pain and not treat her infection and fever sounded like a death sentence to me and I hated it. I’m selfish and I still want to give my Mom a fighting chance so I told my Dad that I think she should go to the hospital to get proper treatment. So, we ended up calling an ambulance to the house to bring her to the hospital.

Never have I ever imagine having to send a family member to the hospital in an ambulance. When at the hospital, the nurse cleaned and changed my Mom’s Bed Sore dressings. They even put oxygen tubes in her nostrils. Dad had to sign a donotresuscitate (DNR) order as well. Hearing that broke my heart and I failed to held back tears. I felt like we’ve lost the battle that we fought so hard for the past 5 years.

Where do we go from here? What do we do? Just the thoughts alone hurts so much.

XoXo, VAS

Cherishing The Memories…

I fight back tears,

Thinking about what lies ahead,

I’m scared of bidding farewell,

But, it’s inevitable,

And I’m not ready nor will I ever be.

How could I?,

When I’ve known you my whole life,

You gave me life,

You’ve always protected me,

You taught me to be,

The lady that I am today.

Seeing you in pain,

It makes me feel so helpless,

Maybe it’s selfish of me for wanting,

You to have faith and continue,

Fighting…

I love you so much,

And there’s still so many,

Conversations and memories to make,

Please teach me to be at peace,

And to be less selfish,

Give me strength to accept.

The courage to eventually,

Continue this journey,

While cherishing our moments,

And the time we had…

Written By: Valerie Atkinson

3rd December 2020