Christmas time is a tough time for me since Mom joined The Lord exactly a week before Christmas 2020. I grew up loving Christmas time because Mom and I would do Christmas shopping for the whole family together starting in November and we would set up the Christmas tree and wrap gifts together along with so many other festivity activities. Christmas is a time for joy and love and spending it with loved ones and that was what I loved about Christmas every year.
So, knowing what an empath and also sentimental individual that I am, it hasn’t been easy for me to hear Christmas tunes/songs or see all the beautiful Christmas decos at malls and all without it hurting as I miss my Mom and our family so much. How can I not? My Mom and Dad are my closest family. We used to talk about everything to each other as we had a trust circle and we could confide in each other. I truly miss that among the close-knit family that we had but since Mom left us, it’s almost like I’m now all alone because of ….. (I don’t want to mention it here…)
The day we had no choice but, to re-admit you back into the hospital and the doctor made Dad sign the DNR, it broke my heart and I fought back tears but, I lost the battle when I was alone because I was not ready for the news and I was truly scared of losing you. It sounded so final and I hated it. The thoughts that was going through my mind were just unbearable. The doctor told us to be prepared for what’s coming next… losing you. We were told it could be a matter of weeks or maybe a month. The days that followed were tough as we see you being on oxygen and eventually on morphine to managed your pain.
I remember feeling so helpless, worried, scared and a whole mixed of emotions and I kept on trying to be there for Dad as I was sure that if it was so tough for me, I can only picture how he was feeling. Daddy has loved you since he laid eyes on you back in the late 1970’s and the both of you were inseparable despite the obstacles and rough times the both of you experienced together and not forgetting the good times that you enjoyed together too and along came me in your journey together.
Dad and I surely was never ready to lose you as we had so many plans for the future and you were in all of our plans. Dad even mentioned it last Sunday, during the drive to visit you on your 2nd Year Anniversary that he was sad that you left and he had to change so many plans that he had for the both of you like retiring in Ipoh, traveling the world and make many more memories with you and grow old and grey together. I can tell how much Dad actually misses you and wishes that you were still with us. Days when he says certain things, I know he says it out of frustration and that he’s just trying to put up a front but, I’ve known my dad for over 30++ years now and I can see right through it. He’s tired of people asking him, “how he’s doing?, is he alright?” and all that because whenever someone asks those questions, it digs into the wounds that you left with the huge void that you have left in us.
We don’t blame you for leaving Mom. We know that God had bigger plans and he wanted an angel like you by his side sooner. Your departure from Earth left a huge void in our lives and whatever we do, we can’t fill that huge void no matter how hard we try and I know that you’ve been observing that from above while you’re protecting us the best way you can. As you know that things haven’t been going too well for Dad this year. I believe it’s the feng shui and other aspects in his life that’s causing things to not go so smoothly. Mom, please shine some light on Dad and give him the guidance and also point him in the right direction. You were his Shepperd and you guided him and took good care of him.