Joys of Having Furkids…

As you can tell from the title that I love having furkids, especially dogs. Yes, I love them so much that I have 2 – Laurent, a French Bulldog and Saint, a Pocket Beagle. I honestly would have been so lonely if it wasn’t for them. I never ever pictured that when I move out from my parents’ place that I’d be staying alone but, I’ve lived alone for the past 2 years ever since my ex moved out. Since my Mom passed away last month, I’ve gotten my dad to move in with me as I know that he wouldn’t be okay living alone as he was very, very, very attached to my Mom.

Laurent + Saint keeps me busy everyday with feeding them breakie first thing in the morning when I get up and then of course I have to clean up after they’ve both gone potty. Because I don’t feed them kibbles, I have to prepare their breakfast + dinner right before I feed them. They have been on raw diet since early last year as Laurent has been struggling a lil with some food allergies since June 2019 when she was 2+ years old.

Talking about food allergies, I got her to take an allergen test last year which was on the pricey side. To my horror, she’s allergic to pumpkin which was one of the healthy choice of vegetable that I’ve been feeding her + the protein and other vegie for a really long time. So, I immediately removed pumpkins from her diet. So, ever since I’ve been feeding her beef tenderloin that’s cubed. I will try giving her lamb too eventually. It seems that it has sorted out her slight allergies. So, YAY!!

One thing that I feel bad about is not bringing them out for walkies like I used to when I had help. One thing I think many do not know about me is, I’m very anal about hygiene/cleanliness. Therefore, after each walks and before they can get back into the car, I wash their lil paws and once we get home, they get a full shower. So, that being said, it’s quite tricky to do it all by myself. So, what I have been doing is, I play fetch with them to ensure they get enough runs in to stay healthy. I also forgot to mentioned that they do zoomies and chase each other around the house every day. I’ve spoken to my dad and after the MCO 2.0/Lockdown has been lifted, I’d like to bring them to the park for walkies. I know they miss going out.

A month before my Mom lost her battle to cancer, I had a few breakdowns or better known as anticipatory grief and the furkids were always there keeping me company. They would look at me and sit quietly next to me while I pet them. That definitely gave me some comfort. I read that dogs can read humans emotions and I would have to agree with this as this wasn’t the first time that I was comforted by them. In the past, Cookie my Shih Tzu comforted me too when I was sad. How can you not love them?

XoXo, VAS

Dearest Mom…

Dearest Mom,

If you could hear me or read this. This is for you. It’s been slightly over a month since you’ve left us. A day doesn’t go by without me thinking about you, missing you and our time together. I miss our daily conversations about almost anything under the sun. Honestly, somedays I still secretly hope that this was all just a dream, a bad dream that I’ll wake up from and you’ll still be here, healthy and doing well. I know that’s me being in denial about things.

I’m sorry for my breakdowns and tears. I can’t control them as much as I hate crying. You know I’ve never cried in public and always only cried when I was alone. But, you saw me crying a week before you left and you told me, “Don’t cry, don’t cry…” while you laid there in your hospital bed holding onto my hand. That was our last conversation we had before you stopped talking and laid there asleep for the balance of your numbered days.

This was the last pic we took together while we waited for the first MCO announcement last year. You insisted we took this wefie. 🙂

To be honest, I regretted not cutting your nails for you 2 days before you left us, I really wanted to but, I forgot to bring the nail clipper to the hospital. I know your whole life you were very particular about your hair and your nails. I hope you’re not mad at me for not grooming your nails one last time. It makes me cry when I think that I failed to give you the best when I could have.

Also, I’m sorry that there were days when I just didn’t know what to say or do to make you feel better. I felt so lost and confuse when I saw you in the condition that you were in. But, I’m sure that your situation was tough to for you.

I know we have our differences and our bad days before your situation got bad but, we surely had our good moments and days where we laugh so hard and we were one happy family. You were always there with your hand out for me when I fell down. You scolded, nagged me but, forgave me and accepted me for my weaknesses as any good mother would do. Thank you for always being there for me, loving me unconditionally and making me the lady that I am today. I know when you’re mad at me, you used to say, “You failed as a mother…”. I want to tell you that you did not. You were a good mother that anyone would be lucky to call, “Mommy”. I was lucky enough to have you in my life and I wouldn’t changed it for anything but, only wished that you had a long life because there is so many more things that I wish I could have done for you.

I love you Mommy and I hope that someday you’ll give me a sign that you’re doing well and that we’ll meet again someday.

XoXo, VAS

2021 New Year’s Eve…

Most of you that are reading this post have been waiting for this day for a really long time as 2020 has been a nightmare for the most of us. Mainly because of the Covid-19 Pandemic and adapting to the new norm. Every New Year’s Eve and Birthday, I spend reflecting on my life and the year and today is no different. What has my 2020 been like? The most part of it was spent going to the hospital to see my Mom get her Vaccine Treatment or visiting her when she was admitted for atleast 4 days or up to a week’s period each time she had to be. The other part of the year was watching the news on the pandemic conditions here in Malaysia and looking out for quarantine measures. This year, I spent most of my time indoors at home and only going out when I really needed to only. Not forgetting heading over to my parents’ place to see Mom as she couldn’t walk since end of June and eventually became bedridden.

Most weekends were spent on Skype or Zoom Videocalls with Hubby when he wasn’t on some Onsite Work Trips. I still have not seen him since early July 2019 when he flew back to the US. He hates this distance as much as I do but we are left with no choice but to follow the rules that have been set in place.

Mom lost her battle to Cancer on the 18th of December 2020 and that was something Dad and I had to accept and deal with. We both miss her like crazy and wish that she was still with us but, we knew we had to let her go as she had been suffering since she couldn’t walk and she put up a good fight for herself and for us for the past 5 years. We’ll always cherish the precious moments we had with her. She’s missed by us, family and friends. Honestly, some days I still feel like it’s a dream. A dream that I hope to wake up from as it’s too difficult to accept the fact that she’s longer here with us. I’ve read that one doesn’t get over losing a loved one but one adapts to it. It doesn’t get easier but it becomes bearable as you learn to live with it.

Mom definitely was a big part of my year despite wishing we had more time together and for months now, I somewhat feel like me getting married last year was a blessing and it was meant to be as she was there to share the happy moment together as a family. I miss you so much Mee. I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing you. Dad I hope hope that the Lord is looking after you now and that you have reunited with Cookie, Hazel and other loved ones that have left us earlier on.

I’m not going to ask for 2021 to be a better year but, I want to learn to smile again if that’s even possible with the huge void that my Mom have left in my heart.

XoXo, VAS

Decisions…

Eternity by Robbie Williams

Our whole life, we have decisions to make. Some more important than others. To be honest, because of my perfectionist nature. I sometimes struggle with them. I always fear that I might either regret my decision or make the wrong choice. I became a perfectionist because of the upbringing I had. My Mom used to say, “You either give your best or just don’t do it…” Because of those words, I have always strive to do the best I could in whatever that I’ve committed myself into.

Recently, because of my Mom’s health condition my Dad has been struggling with making decisions involving her. I know where he’s coming from because when Laurent or Saint is unwell, despite knowing what I should do, I will confide in my husband. I think sometimes, we all need some assurance as we’re scared of making the wrong decision no matter how sound they may be. After all, we’re all just humans and we will eventually make the wrong choice.

On Tuesday, 8th of December 2020 just a day after Mom was discharged from the hospital she had a fever and wasn’t eating or drinking and it got my Dad worried so he contacted the Palliative Doctor to come and check on Mom. He also called me over to their place to listen to our options which were only 2. Take her to the hospital or stay at home and Symptom Manage her pain and condition. If we chose the 2nd option, a Subcutaneous Cannula would have to be inserted into her arm so that we could administer her pain meds through it whenever she needs it.

Hearing that it will only help her manage pain and not treat her infection and fever sounded like a death sentence to me and I hated it. I’m selfish and I still want to give my Mom a fighting chance so I told my Dad that I think she should go to the hospital to get proper treatment. So, we ended up calling an ambulance to the house to bring her to the hospital.

Never have I ever imagine having to send a family member to the hospital in an ambulance. When at the hospital, the nurse cleaned and changed my Mom’s Bed Sore dressings. They even put oxygen tubes in her nostrils. Dad had to sign a donotresuscitate (DNR) order as well. Hearing that broke my heart and I failed to held back tears. I felt like we’ve lost the battle that we fought so hard for the past 5 years.

Where do we go from here? What do we do? Just the thoughts alone hurts so much.

XoXo, VAS