2021, 5 Months In…

The year is 2021, the month is now May. 5 months into the year. You know how most people are saying that we need a reset button for 2020 or a refund for the year as it was just almost total BS? Well, 2021 is starting to look like another loop of crazy. Well, atleast in my opinion as I’ve been dealt some horrible cards the first few months of the year. I was truly disappointed and deeply hurt because my dreams and hopes were shattered just like that. But, there is some positive out of it though. It’s like I’ve been given a second chance in the love department. LOL. This time, I’m going to choose wiser. I’m only going to let someone who is worthy and deserving of my love in.

Work has been moving forward. I’ve acquired some new clientele which is good. I have some new roles to work on. Let’s close some roles and make that money!! 😀

I can’t help but miss my Mom more recently due to my Birthday, Mother’s Day and her Birthday that’s coming up very soon. I hope that you’ve been well my Dearest Mom. Please forgive me for the tears that I’ve shed over the months. I know you wouldn’t want to see me sad but, how can I not miss your presence. We used to chat and speak to each other every other day and I love the way you used to laugh about things and nag me about things. I miss your love and caring nature.

I’m still on the fence about getting the C-19 Vaccination as there’s a few options now. To wait and get Pfizer sometime next year or to volunteer for AstraZaneca or Sinovac? Choices… I really dunno TBH. But, if that’s the only way for me to travel, I’ll have to eventually take it no matter what as Boy, I really want to fly. The last time, I flew internationally was in 2016. That was freaking long ago. Can you imagine, it’s been almost 5yrs since I last left this country? Damn!!

I’m starting to miss being able to just travel. Remember how it was Pre-C-19 Days? If you wanted to travel, all you would need is your passport and air tickets mainly. Now, you need to fill up a gazillion forms, get C-19 tested prior to your flights and follow so many freaking SOPs (Standard Operating Procedures). Will we ever go back to how it used to be? As it’s now a year plus that we’ve been having to live in this C-19 times. I think it makes many wonder and ponder this issue.

On a different note, is this a blessing in disguise that this happened or is it a curse? I think most will say the later. Well, for me I think if it wasn’t for it, I wouldn’t have seen some peoples’ true colours and I would most likely still be stuck in a hurtful relationship.

That being said, do you think this pandemic has made people drift apart by the different challenges that it brings with it or does it make people appreciate each other more and drive people closer in the process? I know that this tests relationships especially those in LDRs (Long Distance Relationships) as flying is way trickier than it used to be. If you’re in one now, how long will you be willing to wait for your partner? If it was me, my answer would be, no matter how long it will take. I will patiently wait and, I’d surely keep intouch over Videocalls, Voicecalls and Texting for sure. Thank God and the brilliant minds behind those awesome interactive apps.

How’s your 2021 been for you? I’d like to hear about it in the comments below.

XoXo, VA

Never Did I Ever Imagine This Happening…

1 year and 8 months was how long it took for you to throw the towel in. I never thought that I’d hear you say that you no longer want to be with me because during our early days, I always asked you, “What would it take for you to leave me?” and your answer was, “You’d only leave if I ever cheated on you…” Thing is, you and I know that despite us being apart all this while, I stayed loyal and honest with you. Yet, that wasn’t enough for you to stay. It hurt when you said you were sure this round that you wanted a divorce.

I never imagine that I would have the need to speak to Divorce Lawyers and proceed with documentations to end my marriage. Honestly, who enjoys splitting up especially when you’re talking about a holly matrimony?

But, it’s alright as we’ve been unhappy for sometime now. We definitely wanted different things from the relationship and clearly we were both not getting what we needed. That being said, I’m not mad nor do I loathe you. I’m just disappointed because I truly needed you the most when my Mom passed away and these few months have been extremely tough for me. That being said, I understand that you needed a way out from the relationship so that you can start focusing on yourself and your own happiness. I do truly hope that you’ll feel better and you’ll someday be happy again.

I cherish the time and good moments we shared as to me they were special. You truly made me happy and it showed on my face on the day that we got married. I think you know this as you remembered how I looked at you. Thank you for marrying me back in 2019. It meant alot to me as Mom was still well and it was her last happy event that she attended before she got really ill in 2020. She got to see her only daughter get married. I owe that to you.

I’m sorry that we didn’t work out and that I wasn’t your forever person. Marriage means different things to people but, to me it means a lifetime commitment. I don’t give up easily. Ask any of my exes, when I love, I love with my whole heart. I’m a fighter that makes things work. I will only give up when I’ve given alot and I feel it’s not worth it anymore which is quite rare.

Walking on a landmine field daily wasn’t fun for me. It gave me lots of anxiety especially when you exploded with any wrong step that I took by your standards. Honestly, it hurt alot especially the profanities and name calling. To me, it wasn’t necessary esp. when you truly love someone. That’s a form of verbal abuse. I know you said that because you’re hurt, you hurt back but, that’s not love. Just ask anyone. I’ve never been in a relationship where my partner was angry and they felt that they had to yell at me or use such language with me. Arguing for hours on repeat or for days just isn’t healthy for anyone. It’s a waste of effort and energy and it doesn’t build the relationship but tears it down instead. I’m glad that you’re finally getting the professional help that you need.

Closing this chapter in my life makes me feel like a failure but, I know that’s not the case. Instead we were just wrong for each other from the start. We got into things too soon, too quickly despite us truly loving each other but, I guess it was also the circumstances we were in being apart 9,000+ miles away and we just wanted to bridge the distance and getting married was the answer we thought was right for us during that time.

XoXo, VA

The Saddest Thing Ever…

Everyone perceives things differently and feel differently about things in life. To me the saddest word is “Goodbye”. Bidding “Goodbye” to me is the most difficult thing because some “Goodbyes” are forever. One of the most difficult “Goodbye” that I had to say was to my Mom, last December. I wasn’t ready to let her go the way that she did despite already feeling her light slowly dimming during her last few months. She taught me everything but the one thing she didn’t teach me was how to live without her.

Too Good At Goodbyes Cover by Joseph Vincent…

The other “Goodbye” that I’m too familiar with are the ones at the airport when I had to send my partner off. Being 14,000km apart is definitely tough. Long distance is extremely tough and not for the weak. Plus, there is no guarantee that they’d come back or worse, it might be the last time you’d ever see them. Sadly, I’m too familiar with this.

“Goodbye” can also be when someone breaks your heart when they’ve decided that they no longer want you in their lives. This is the reason why “Goodbye” is the most painful word that exists to me.

That’s why I prefer saying, “See you…” instead of “Goodbye”. I feel that there’s some assurance and hope in it. “Goodbye” to me just sounds very final.

XoXo, VA

Joys of Having Furkids…

As you can tell from the title that I love having furkids, especially dogs. Yes, I love them so much that I have 2 – Laurent, a French Bulldog and Saint, a Pocket Beagle. I honestly would have been so lonely if it wasn’t for them. I never ever pictured that when I move out from my parents’ place that I’d be staying alone but, I’ve lived alone for the past 2 years ever since my ex moved out. Since my Mom passed away last month, I’ve gotten my dad to move in with me as I know that he wouldn’t be okay living alone as he was very, very, very attached to my Mom.

Laurent + Saint keeps me busy everyday with feeding them breakie first thing in the morning when I get up and then of course I have to clean up after they’ve both gone potty. Because I don’t feed them kibbles, I have to prepare their breakfast + dinner right before I feed them. They have been on raw diet since early last year as Laurent has been struggling a lil with some food allergies since June 2019 when she was 2+ years old.

Talking about food allergies, I got her to take an allergen test last year which was on the pricey side. To my horror, she’s allergic to pumpkin which was one of the healthy choice of vegetable that I’ve been feeding her + the protein and other vegie for a really long time. So, I immediately removed pumpkins from her diet. So, ever since I’ve been feeding her beef tenderloin that’s cubed. I will try giving her lamb too eventually. It seems that it has sorted out her slight allergies. So, YAY!!

One thing that I feel bad about is not bringing them out for walkies like I used to when I had help. One thing I think many do not know about me is, I’m very anal about hygiene/cleanliness. Therefore, after each walks and before they can get back into the car, I wash their lil paws and once we get home, they get a full shower. So, that being said, it’s quite tricky to do it all by myself. So, what I have been doing is, I play fetch with them to ensure they get enough runs in to stay healthy. I also forgot to mentioned that they do zoomies and chase each other around the house every day. I’ve spoken to my dad and after the MCO 2.0/Lockdown has been lifted, I’d like to bring them to the park for walkies. I know they miss going out.

A month before my Mom lost her battle to cancer, I had a few breakdowns or better known as anticipatory grief and the furkids were always there keeping me company. They would look at me and sit quietly next to me while I pet them. That definitely gave me some comfort. I read that dogs can read humans emotions and I would have to agree with this as this wasn’t the first time that I was comforted by them. In the past, Cookie my Shih Tzu comforted me too when I was sad. How can you not love them?

XoXo, VAS