Thank You…

Dear You,

I hope that you are doing well wherever you may be now. I hope that you’re smiling and laughing because that’s how I want to remember you. Despite what you say, I always thought that you had a charming smile and I was addicted to your laughter as it was a form of assurance that I was doing something right. I’ve always wished that you could see you from my perspective and eyes because you were perfect to me. You were my perfect imperfection.

I will forever be grateful for the time and moments that we shared together. When you loved, I felt it as it made me feel warm and safe when you were by my side. I remember how it felt like to see my phone screen lights up and I see your name appear, it always made my day. The excitement was a piece of bliss to me. Also, everything I did I thought about you and us and every decision was made to include you. That was how important you were in my life.

The sacrifices you made for me, for us meant the world to me. Maybe I didn’t get to tell you enough. Thank you for being you. I’m sorry for failing you or hurting you in any possible way. Please know that it was the last thing I wanted to do.

XoXo, VA

What No One Tells You About Losing A Parent…

Saying your final goodbye is never easy. If I had to choose between bidding farewell and studying on end to take difficult exams for the rest of my life, I would choose the later. That just says alot about how difficult and how much I dread the inevitable farewell.

So, what do I wish I was taught or told about what losing a parent was like? I wish someone would have told me how difficult and painful it would be. I think every child that loves their parents dread the day that they have to bid that final goodbye. Well atleast it feels very final until we meet again. We can only hope for that, to be reunited with our loved ones on the opposite site.

Nothing prepared me for losing my Mom last year. Despite, secretly mourning her earlier on since she started suffering. Seeing her in pain was truly tough. The day she passed, I didn’t cry but, I remember that despite how physically exhausted I was that night, I couldn’t sleep a blink. I couldn’t explain why. Maybe, my body was adapting to the shock. Then the following 3 days, it was her Wake at the Church and then final goodbye and cremation. I cried during the final goodbye when they pushed her in to be cremated. That being said, I still went on days and weeks in denial that she’s gone despite knowing the truth. I just felt if I didn’t acknowledge it, it wouldn’t be true and I would still be able to hold her hand and talk to her.

My Mom was a huge part of my life since I was born because my Dad told my Mom to stop working and just look after the house and me and he would provide for the family. There was a point when I was around 10 when my Mom was considering to go back to work but, I remember I was so used and comfortable having her at home that I told her not to. I loved having my Mom there when I get home from school. Mom was a really good cook and she made it a point to clean the house, cook and do laundry. We only went out to eat on the weekends. She was a dedicated Homemaker, Wife and Mom. I really hope that I can be half of her when it comes to cooking and looking after the family. She has set the bar high in that department.

It’s been 6 months since she left and I’m still mourning her dearly. I find myself breaking down every now and then from missing her and wishing that I could have done more for her. I have to admit that when she was around and when she would nag me, I wished she would stop but now, I find myself missing her nagging. What I would do to have her nag me about my health, the way I look and so much more now. I know that she nagged because she cared and that was her way of making sure I was on the right track.

I wished I spent more time with her in the kitchen when she was still cooking as I took that for granted. I miss her Sabal Fried Fish, Herbal Soup and Japanese Cucumber with Lemon and Chili. I miss everything about my Mom. Now, whenever I hear that my friend’s Mom cooked this dish and that, I truly envy them. It also hurts when I hear that someone isn’t close to their parents. I find it difficult to understand because despite the differences and disagreements that I constantly had with my parents, I still love them very much and I just can’t imagine not spending whatever free time I had with them because I’ve always knew that they wouldn’t live forever despite I wish it wasn’t so.

We’re not promised tomorrow and when someone is gone, you can’t do anything about it then. Someone once said that we only regret the things we didn’t do and not the things that we did. Despite, spending all that time with my Mom, I still have regrets of the things that I couldn’t do for her because she truly deserves so much more.

I can tell you that with each passing day, the missing and wishing that they were still around doesn’t go away. It doesn’t get easier either but, you’ll eventually learn to adapt to the changes despite the huge void that they left behind. I’ve been trying to fill the void that my Mom left in my life with trying new things. I think I’ve experimented with so many new things including my look and the things that I’ve been laying of doing, I’m getting around to finally. I’m trying my best to continue living despite somedays, it feels like there’s nothing to look forward to. I miss talking to my Mom and telling her my daily experiences and encounters.

I don’t think anyone could ever tell you what to expect and what to do because the missing, the feelings comes in waves.

XoXo, VA

I’m Never Getting Over You…

When I came across this MV, I was wondering why the lead female singer looked like Colbie Caillat so I did some digging and it turned out to be her. LOL!! I didn’t know she joined a band called Gone West. Btw, this is my current fav song. I find myself listening to this song over and over again. I like how it sounds and the lyrics is meaningful. I feel it’s a nice breakup song. I’ve always had a soft spot for breakup songs over the years. In my opinion, Country genre has the best breakup songs. I know it’s weird coming from me, someone who cherish relationships but, I guess I always find myself with a broken heart at the end of the day. I know I’m going to break the cycle this round. I’m finally going to have a happy ending. I can only be wishful and hope for the best right? Afterall, I’m a hopeless romantic.

Iā€™m Never Getting Over You
By: Gone West


I want the end to be easier than the start
You were a hopeful heart that I shattered apart
I wanna say goodbye and disappear, mm-mm
Don’t wanna watch if you break down into tears

Don’t try to make me stay
‘Cause I ain’t gonna change my mind

Take a good look at the pain in my face ‘fore you walk away
Memorize all the hurt in my eyes, not what I say
I’m gonna give you what you wanted
Though my heart will never stop
Tell you that I’m fine even though I’m not
You’re gonna know for the rest of your life this is true
I’m never gettin’ over you
I’m never gettin’ over you

We’ll move on and you’ll find somebody new
With everything I could never be for you, mm-mm
It’s hard to hear, but time is a broken heart’s best friend, uh-uh
And there’s a morning waitin’ for you
We don’t know what could’ve been
What could’ve been

Take a good look at the pain in my face ‘fore you walk away
Memorize all the hurt in my eyes, not what I say
I’m gonna give you what you wanted
Though my heart will never stop
Tell you that I’m fine even though I’m not
You’re gonna know for the rest of your life this is true
I’m never gettin’ over you
I’m never gettin’ over you

I can’t stop you from leavin’
And you can’t stop me from lovin’ you

So take a good look at the pain ‘fore you walk away
Memorize all the hurt in my eyes, not what I say
I’m gonna give you what you wanted
Though my heart will never stop
Tell you that I’m fine even though I’m not
You’re gonna know for the rest of your life this is true
I’m never gettin’ over you
I’m never gettin’ over you
I’m never gettin’ over you
I’m never gettin’ over you

When you fall in love, there is no guarantee that you’ll stay together or have a happy ending. That being said, is that going to prevent you from falling in love with the chance that your heart might get broken in the process? There’s a famous saying right? “It’s better to have been in love than never at all…” To be honest with you, I’ve gotten my heart broken countless times and I have broken many hearts along the way as well. Though, I’ve always tried to break peoples’ hearts as gently as possible. So, what’s your favourite breakup song? I would love to hear back in the comment section below.

XoXo, VA

2021, 5 Months In…

The year is 2021, the month is now May. 5 months into the year. You know how most people are saying that we need a reset button for 2020 or a refund for the year as it was just almost total BS? Well, 2021 is starting to look like another loop of crazy. Well, atleast in my opinion as I’ve been dealt some horrible cards the first few months of the year. I was truly disappointed and deeply hurt because my dreams and hopes were shattered just like that. But, there is some positive out of it though. It’s like I’ve been given a second chance in the love department. LOL. This time, I’m going to choose wiser. I’m only going to let someone who is worthy and deserving of my love in.

Work has been moving forward. I’ve acquired some new clientele which is good. I have some new roles to work on. Let’s close some roles and make that money!! šŸ˜€

I can’t help but miss my Mom more recently due to my Birthday, Mother’s Day and her Birthday that’s coming up very soon. I hope that you’ve been well my Dearest Mom. Please forgive me for the tears that I’ve shed over the months. I know you wouldn’t want to see me sad but, how can I not miss your presence. We used to chat and speak to each other every other day and I love the way you used to laugh about things and nag me about things. I miss your love and caring nature.

I’m still on the fence about getting the C-19 Vaccination as there’s a few options now. To wait and get Pfizer sometime next year or to volunteer for AstraZaneca or Sinovac? Choices… I really dunno TBH. But, if that’s the only way for me to travel, I’ll have to eventually take it no matter what as Boy, I really want to fly. The last time, I flew internationally was in 2016. That was freaking long ago. Can you imagine, it’s been almost 5yrs since I last left this country? Damn!!

I’m starting to miss being able to just travel. Remember how it was Pre-C-19 Days? If you wanted to travel, all you would need is your passport and air tickets mainly. Now, you need to fill up a gazillion forms, get C-19 tested prior to your flights and follow so many freaking SOPs (Standard Operating Procedures). Will we ever go back to how it used to be? As it’s now a year plus that we’ve been having to live in this C-19 times. I think it makes many wonder and ponder this issue.

On a different note, is this a blessing in disguise that this happened or is it a curse? I think most will say the later. Well, for me I think if it wasn’t for it, I wouldn’t have seen some peoples’ true colours and I would most likely still be stuck in a hurtful relationship.

That being said, do you think this pandemic has made people drift apart by the different challenges that it brings with it or does it make people appreciate each other more and drive people closer in the process? I know that this tests relationships especially those in LDRs (Long Distance Relationships) as flying is way trickier than it used to be. If you’re in one now, how long will you be willing to wait for your partner? If it was me, my answer would be, no matter how long it will take. I will patiently wait and, I’d surely keep intouch over Videocalls, Voicecalls and Texting for sure. Thank God and the brilliant minds behind those awesome interactive apps.

How’s your 2021 been for you? I’d like to hear about it in the comments below.

XoXo, VA