Never Did I Ever Imagine This Happening…

1 year and 8 months was how long it took for you to throw the towel in. I never thought that I’d hear you say that you no longer want to be with me because during our early days, I always asked you, “What would it take for you to leave me?” and your answer was, “You’d only leave if I ever cheated on you…” Thing is, you and I know that despite us being apart all this while, I stayed loyal and honest with you. Yet, that wasn’t enough for you to stay. It hurt when you said you were sure this round that you wanted a divorce.

I never imagine that I would have the need to speak to Divorce Lawyers and proceed with documentations to end my marriage. Honestly, who enjoys splitting up especially when you’re talking about a holly matrimony?

But, it’s alright as we’ve been unhappy for sometime now. We definitely wanted different things from the relationship and clearly we were both not getting what we needed. That being said, I’m not mad nor do I loathe you. I’m just disappointed because I truly needed you the most when my Mom passed away and these few months have been extremely tough for me. That being said, I understand that you needed a way out from the relationship so that you can start focusing on yourself and your own happiness. I do truly hope that you’ll feel better and you’ll someday be happy again.

I cherish the time and good moments we shared as to me they were special. You truly made me happy and it showed on my face on the day that we got married. I think you know this as you remembered how I looked at you. Thank you for marrying me back in 2019. It meant alot to me as Mom was still well and it was her last happy event that she attended before she got really ill in 2020. She got to see her only daughter get married. I owe that to you.

I’m sorry that we didn’t work out and that I wasn’t your forever person. Marriage means different things to people but, to me it means a lifetime commitment. I don’t give up easily. Ask any of my exes, when I love, I love with my whole heart. I’m a fighter that makes things work. I will only give up when I’ve given alot and I feel it’s not worth it anymore which is quite rare.

Walking on a landmine field daily wasn’t fun for me. It gave me lots of anxiety especially when you exploded with any wrong step that I took by your standards. Honestly, it hurt alot especially the profanities and name calling. To me, it wasn’t necessary esp. when you truly love someone. That’s a form of verbal abuse. I know you said that because you’re hurt, you hurt back but, that’s not love. Just ask anyone. I’ve never been in a relationship where my partner was angry and they felt that they had to yell at me or use such language with me. Arguing for hours on repeat or for days just isn’t healthy for anyone. It’s a waste of effort and energy and it doesn’t build the relationship but tears it down instead. I’m glad that you’re finally getting the professional help that you need.

Closing this chapter in my life makes me feel like a failure but, I know that’s not the case. Instead we were just wrong for each other from the start. We got into things too soon, too quickly despite us truly loving each other but, I guess it was also the circumstances we were in being apart 9,000+ miles away and we just wanted to bridge the distance and getting married was the answer we thought was right for us during that time.

XoXo, VA

The Saddest Thing Ever…

Everyone perceives things differently and feel differently about things in life. To me the saddest word is “Goodbye”. Bidding “Goodbye” to me is the most difficult thing because some “Goodbyes” are forever. One of the most difficult “Goodbye” that I had to say was to my Mom, last December. I wasn’t ready to let her go the way that she did despite already feeling her light slowly dimming during her last few months. She taught me everything but the one thing she didn’t teach me was how to live without her.

Too Good At Goodbyes Cover by Joseph Vincent…

The other “Goodbye” that I’m too familiar with are the ones at the airport when I had to send my partner off. Being 14,000km apart is definitely tough. Long distance is extremely tough and not for the weak. Plus, there is no guarantee that they’d come back or worse, it might be the last time you’d ever see them. Sadly, I’m too familiar with this.

“Goodbye” can also be when someone breaks your heart when they’ve decided that they no longer want you in their lives. This is the reason why “Goodbye” is the most painful word that exists to me.

That’s why I prefer saying, “See you…” instead of “Goodbye”. I feel that there’s some assurance and hope in it. “Goodbye” to me just sounds very final.

XoXo, VA

Joys of Having Furkids…

As you can tell from the title that I love having furkids, especially dogs. Yes, I love them so much that I have 2 – Laurent, a French Bulldog and Saint, a Pocket Beagle. I honestly would have been so lonely if it wasn’t for them. I never ever pictured that when I move out from my parents’ place that I’d be staying alone but, I’ve lived alone for the past 2 years ever since my ex moved out. Since my Mom passed away last month, I’ve gotten my dad to move in with me as I know that he wouldn’t be okay living alone as he was very, very, very attached to my Mom.

Laurent + Saint keeps me busy everyday with feeding them breakie first thing in the morning when I get up and then of course I have to clean up after they’ve both gone potty. Because I don’t feed them kibbles, I have to prepare their breakfast + dinner right before I feed them. They have been on raw diet since early last year as Laurent has been struggling a lil with some food allergies since June 2019 when she was 2+ years old.

Talking about food allergies, I got her to take an allergen test last year which was on the pricey side. To my horror, she’s allergic to pumpkin which was one of the healthy choice of vegetable that I’ve been feeding her + the protein and other vegie for a really long time. So, I immediately removed pumpkins from her diet. So, ever since I’ve been feeding her beef tenderloin that’s cubed. I will try giving her lamb too eventually. It seems that it has sorted out her slight allergies. So, YAY!!

One thing that I feel bad about is not bringing them out for walkies like I used to when I had help. One thing I think many do not know about me is, I’m very anal about hygiene/cleanliness. Therefore, after each walks and before they can get back into the car, I wash their lil paws and once we get home, they get a full shower. So, that being said, it’s quite tricky to do it all by myself. So, what I have been doing is, I play fetch with them to ensure they get enough runs in to stay healthy. I also forgot to mentioned that they do zoomies and chase each other around the house every day. I’ve spoken to my dad and after the MCO 2.0/Lockdown has been lifted, I’d like to bring them to the park for walkies. I know they miss going out.

A month before my Mom lost her battle to cancer, I had a few breakdowns or better known as anticipatory grief and the furkids were always there keeping me company. They would look at me and sit quietly next to me while I pet them. That definitely gave me some comfort. I read that dogs can read humans emotions and I would have to agree with this as this wasn’t the first time that I was comforted by them. In the past, Cookie my Shih Tzu comforted me too when I was sad. How can you not love them?

XoXo, VAS

2021 New Year’s Eve…

Most of you that are reading this post have been waiting for this day for a really long time as 2020 has been a nightmare for the most of us. Mainly because of the Covid-19 Pandemic and adapting to the new norm. Every New Year’s Eve and Birthday, I spend reflecting on my life and the year and today is no different. What has my 2020 been like? The most part of it was spent going to the hospital to see my Mom get her Vaccine Treatment or visiting her when she was admitted for atleast 4 days or up to a week’s period each time she had to be. The other part of the year was watching the news on the pandemic conditions here in Malaysia and looking out for quarantine measures. This year, I spent most of my time indoors at home and only going out when I really needed to only. Not forgetting heading over to my parents’ place to see Mom as she couldn’t walk since end of June and eventually became bedridden.

Most weekends were spent on Skype or Zoom Videocalls with Hubby when he wasn’t on some Onsite Work Trips. I still have not seen him since early July 2019 when he flew back to the US. He hates this distance as much as I do but we are left with no choice but to follow the rules that have been set in place.

Mom lost her battle to Cancer on the 18th of December 2020 and that was something Dad and I had to accept and deal with. We both miss her like crazy and wish that she was still with us but, we knew we had to let her go as she had been suffering since she couldn’t walk and she put up a good fight for herself and for us for the past 5 years. We’ll always cherish the precious moments we had with her. She’s missed by us, family and friends. Honestly, some days I still feel like it’s a dream. A dream that I hope to wake up from as it’s too difficult to accept the fact that she’s longer here with us. I’ve read that one doesn’t get over losing a loved one but one adapts to it. It doesn’t get easier but it becomes bearable as you learn to live with it.

Mom definitely was a big part of my year despite wishing we had more time together and for months now, I somewhat feel like me getting married last year was a blessing and it was meant to be as she was there to share the happy moment together as a family. I miss you so much Mee. I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing you. Dad I hope hope that the Lord is looking after you now and that you have reunited with Cookie, Hazel and other loved ones that have left us earlier on.

I’m not going to ask for 2021 to be a better year but, I want to learn to smile again if that’s even possible with the huge void that my Mom have left in my heart.

XoXo, VAS