Moving Forward…

When should you move on? When do you give up? To be honest, I hate giving up. I hate admitting defeat. I’m the type of person that still stays even though things suck big time. Why? It’s my Taurean nature. Stubborn, steadfast and loyal. That’s why I’ve been known to stick to things for the long haul once I commit to them. I fight and fight until I have no strength to get up. Even to that point, I will still try however I can to push forward despite how wounded and hurt I may be.

That being said, they say when you do the same thing over and over again, it’s insanity when you expect the results to be different. Therefore, I’ve learned that I will no longer fight a battle that I have to fight alone. If my partner isn’t fighting with me to make the relationship work, why must I fight for it? I would just be foolish wouldn’t I? If I’m not appreciated for the sacrifices that I make, why should I put in more effort?

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. When someone says that they love you. No matter how angry they are at you, they will never tell you to F Off or use profanity towards you because they would have respect for you. And no excuse will quantify the usage of any form of verbal abuse towards a love one. Respect is very important in any relationship. It’s infact what relationships are built on. Plus, how difficult is it to bite ones tongue and stop one from uttering hurtful words? It’s not difficult as I’ve done it many times. Plus, I’m a firm believer of, “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything…”

I’m going to emphasize this again. Love with the right person would feel easy and natural. Love with the wrong person on the other hand would feel like a battlefield every day. You wouldn’t want to feel like you’re walking on a landmine field. I know how that feels and I wouldn’t want anyone to go through what I had to go through. That being said, I stayed and I would have until the day I died because I loved him and I was committed to the relationship till he decided that he didn’t want us anymore. It wasn’t easy for me on some days but, I know that I’m not an easy person to be with either because I’m a perfectionist and I have my many imperfections as well but I did love with my whole heart and gave it my all that’s why every fight just chipped away at my heart. I know it’s not entirely my fault that the relationship didn’t work but, sometimes when I see happy married couples, it makes me wonder was I really that bad, or even unlovable that he didn’t want us to be together anymore.

But, that being said, I know he has his demons to fight and I shouldn’t blame myself because many people have told me over the years that whoever that ends up being loved by me would be very lucky and I truly believe in it as well. I’m a nice person with a huge heart and I’m capable to love strongly, passionately and deeply. I just haven’t found someone who wants to spend their lifetime with me yet.

I’m currently hustling a few jobs to make ends meet because I got scammed about a week ago and I lost all my savings. That being said, I’m still fighting and I still believe in hope. I’m excited for tomorrow and where this journey brings me. I’m thankful for the true friends that I have that have reached out to me with food and all. I’m truly blessed that I have them in my life.

XoXo, VA

3rd June 1961…

3rd June is an important date as that was the date that Mom, Florence Yip was born. Therefore tomorrow would have been her 60th Birthday. Usually, I would send her flowers, get her a gift and treat her to a nice meal with cake of course. This is the first year that we haven’t been able to celebrate her Big Day. It’s been almost 6 months since she left us and not a day goes by without us missing her. We can’t visit her tomorrow because the current FMCO (Lockdown). I’ve made her Rose scented beeswax candle for her. Will have to wait until the lockdown is lifted till we could go visit her. Mom, we didn’t forget your birthday. I hope that you know that.

Mom grew up poor in Ipoh. She was the 5th child to my grandparents, She was the youngest and the cheekiest on top of things as she got my grandfather wrapped around her finger. She was the only one who was sent to an English Convent for her school education. I remember Mom telling me that after her dad passed when she was 12yrs old, she started working part-time after school hours to give money to her mother. She worked as a seamstress and also tutored. Prior to her dad passing away, the family ran a canteen business at the army camp. She even had a pet pig at one point in time.

Despite her circumstances, Mom was an extrovert that loved helping people. She was also very active in sports and represented her school in Volley Ball. Mom was well known as being a social butterfly. I’m pretty sure I got that trade from her. The ability to make friends just instantly. My Mom was always surrounded by her group of girlfriends that she kept in touch all these years. People are naturally drawn by my Mom’s energy. She’s always been very bubbly and her smile is infectious.

Before Mom met dad when she was 18. She was working at a car battery shop and dad saw her walking past daily during lunch break as at that time, dad was a site supervisor and he was high up and saw her. My dad then decided to ask around to find out who Mom was. Eventually, he learned where she worked and he decided to write her a letter. That was how my Mom and dad met and the rest was history.

My Mom always had a huge heart when it came to people and she would never think twice in helping out those in need, I guess she developed this compassion for people because she had nothing growing up. That’s another reason why she taught me to be charitable since I was young and that we should share. Friends and neighbours and family nevertheless loved Mom because she was very friendly and she would always be there for you. Mom was never selfish but always giving. She never demanded for anything but, dad pampered her because she deserved everything in the world.

Dad took good care of Mom from the day he met her until her last breath. He made her quit her job to start a family with him and supported her financially. My dad definitely is 1 in a million. Also, when Mom was bedridden during her last 6 months on earth, dad did everything to look after her. He fed her, changed her diapers and cleaned her while he slept on the floor beside her. It made Mom very sad but if that’s not proof that true love exists, what is? Will I ever be lucky to find love like that?

XoXo, VA