Everyone perceives things differently and feel differently about things in life. To me the saddest word is “Goodbye”. Bidding “Goodbye” to me is the most difficult thing because some “Goodbyes” are forever. One of the most difficult “Goodbye” that I had to say was to my Mom, last December. I wasn’t ready to let her go the way that she did despite already feeling her light slowly dimming during her last few months. She taught me everything but the one thing she didn’t teach me was how to live without her.
The other “Goodbye” that I’m too familiar with are the ones at the airport when I had to send my partner off. Being 14,000km apart is definitely tough. Long distance is extremely tough and not for the weak. Plus, there is no guarantee that they’d come back or worse, it might be the last time you’d ever see them. Sadly, I’m too familiar with this.
“Goodbye” can also be when someone breaks your heart when they’ve decided that they no longer want you in their lives. This is the reason why “Goodbye” is the most painful word that exists to me.
That’s why I prefer saying, “See you…” instead of “Goodbye”. I feel that there’s some assurance and hope in it. “Goodbye” to me just sounds very final.
Many make New Year’s Resolutions. I never really bothered in making any because I hate setting expectations and when they’re not being met, it only makes you feel disappointed. I learn to stop having expectations for years now as I used to have them but we all know how that ends. So, I’ve learned to live with just taking each day as they come. That all being said, it doesn’t mean that I don’t strive to be better because I always challenge myself and those that I care for to always be better. I feel that life’s too short to not be the best you can be because it may be your only life unless you believe in reincarnation. 😀
I think most of my closest friends know that things have been tough emotionally for me this few months. That being said, life and time waits for no one. I’m turning another year older in just a few months time. This year is definitely going to be different. I’m waiting on a tribute tattoo session for my Mom that got postponed because of the MCO (Movement Control Order) 2.0. It’s now scheduled for 8th of March 2021. We’ll see if that session will happen especially when the Malaysian Government has been wishy-washy in terms of their decisions in controlling and keeping the Covid-19 numbers down. That being said, I’m keeping my fingers and toes crossed that I’ll be able to get it done soon and as planned.
I’m definitely going back into the gym to workout. I want to destress, sweat, feel fit and get toned. But, I’ll definitely have to take a break from the gym when I get inked for a smooth healing. Plus, I want to be ready for Maldives. *hint.. *hint.. I know which resort I’m interested in this round.
Besides the gym, I’m also going to tryout some new recipes. I’m excited about that even though I still prefer cooking for others. LOL… I’ll think of more things to do as the months passes and I’ll keep y’áll updated. If you have ideas of something that I may like, do comment below and I might try them out.
As most of you now know or are learning about my Mom. Thursday, 18th February 2021 is exactly 2 months since she left us to be with The Lord. Not a day goes by without me thinking about her, our moments together and our conversations which I miss so, so much. I don’t think the missing will ever stop especially when you were so close to someone.
That being said, whenever I hear someone mentioned that their loved one is battling cancer, I feel a knot in my throat as I know that the Big C sounds like a death sentence. Atleast, it is to the most of us. It affects not only the patient but, also their loved ones. I remember when I first heard that Mom was diagnosed with lungs cancer 3rd stage in November 2015, I didn’t think of it badly but, instantly was “We’ll fight this to the very end and we will win this!!…” and we’ll get all the necessary treatment done which we did for the past 5 years. The journey was definitely a long one with many twists and visits to the hospital monthly.
Cancer grows and spreads fast which is scary but, staying positive and having a good doctor and support from loved ones is super important. Giving up in my opinion is not an option atleast not until you’ve given it all you have. We all deserve a fighting chance. I know that Mom lost the battle after 5 years but, everyone is different and I can testify that she fought hard over the years and never did she give up until the end.
I want you to know that you’re not alone. That there’s many people in the world who has gone through it or is still fighting it daily. Get the support you need. It’s always better to have some form of help as it’s not easy.
To set the record straight, I’m not mad at her for leaving. I just miss her so much. Her energy, her kindness towards everyone around her. She was the best mom anyone could ask for. Despite only spending little time with my Hubs, JR in 2019. She still loved him as her own son. I miss the daily conversations we had because with her, I could be real. I could talk to her about anything under the sun despite sometimes we had our disagreements but still we were mother and daughter.
Her last words to me when she was in the hospital was, “Don’t cry, don’t cry…” as she reached out to touch my hand when I broke down and cried when I saw her in the fragile condition she was in barely able to open her eyes or talk. Mom, I’m sorry that I’m still crying. I’m sorry. I know that you wouldn’t want to see me like this but, I just miss you so crazy much and I can’t help it.
I would like to wish the Chinese and anyone who celebrates Chinese New Year @ CNY a very Prosperous & Healthy New Year ahead. This year it’s the year of the Ox based on the Lunar Calendar. It’s my year, It was supposed to be Mom’s year as well. In our family, my grandma, my dad’s mother is an ox, my aunt Linda, my dad’s sister is also an ox, Mom was an ox and so am I. So, it was clear to state that our family consists of very strong women.
This is the first year celebrating CNY without Mom. She’s only been gone almost 2 months now but she’s clearly not forgotten. When I got dressed to head to my grandma’s place in Bangsar for our Reunion Dinner, my Mom’s words echoed in my ear, “Remember not to wear black on Chinese New Year!!” I also remember when my Mom heard about my Pre-Wedding Photoshoot, she said the same thing. As I went through a stage in 2015-2018 that almost any piece of clothing that I bought were all black. She was worried that I’d chose a black wedding dress.
Anyway, Reunion Dinner is one of the most crucial time to be home with family to enjoy a feast. This dinner is carried out on the Eve of Chinese New Year. If one is married, the wife will attend this dinner at her inlaws place and then on the first day of Chinese New Year, the pair will have dinner at the wife’s family home. So, if your hometown in in different states, you will then travel on the eve or on the first day of CNY.
Chinese New Year’s main purposes is to start the new year on a good note, there is no better way to do that than to be with family and have a big feast while children and the non married ones will get Red Packets or “Äng Paos”. It’s a time to let water under the bridge aka forgiveness as well.
I remember growing up celebrating CNY in Ipoh, Perak with my Mom’s side of the family when cousins, aunties, uncles, great aunts and uncles will meet up. It was always filled with snacking on CNY cookies, food + getting red packets, fire crackers and aunty and uncles gambling. My favourite CNY Cookies would be Pineapple Tarts, Love Letters + Beehive.
I think since Mom’s no longer with us. We’ll be celebrating CNY in Kuala Lumpur with my dad’s side of the family from now on. Not sure when I’ll ever head back to Ipoh, Perak TBH. Maybe if Hubs visits and we have something to do or see I guess. I was never really close to Mom’s side of the family. Mainly because of the language barrier. I suck at speaking Cantonese. I can only speak a few words here and there but I can understand more than speak. Ipoh definitely has good food that I will miss.
Anyway, we did the Reunion Dinner at my Grandma’s place and high chances, we won’t be doing any visiting for CNY as we’re still under MCO 2.0 (The Movement Control Order) and also because Mom just passed away not too long ago. Chinese tradition states that the family in mourning should not be celebrating anything for the year. Mom was Chinese so, I feel that we have to honour her traditions. This means, I would not be giving out any Red Packets this year as well.
Talking about Red Packets, my Mom and I had our lil tradition. I was not allowed to open any of my red packets until the 15th day of CNY which meant that CNY was over. I had to write the aunty/uncle name that gave me the red packet on the packet itself too. I got a strong feeling my Mom just didn’t want me to appear rude and open the red packets infront of the aunty that I just received the red packet from as may kids does. Some ungrateful kids would also comment about the amount that they receive. So if the amount was small, the kid would say it out loud. LOL.
Everything that I do and as the days that passes me by, I can’t help but, be reminded about Mom and the things she used to say to me. That’s just how much I miss my Mom.