Moving Forward…

When should you move on? When do you give up? To be honest, I hate giving up. I hate admitting defeat. I’m the type of person that still stays even though things suck big time. Why? It’s my Taurean nature. Stubborn, steadfast and loyal. That’s why I’ve been known to stick to things for the long haul once I commit to them. I fight and fight until I have no strength to get up. Even to that point, I will still try however I can to push forward despite how wounded and hurt I may be.

That being said, they say when you do the same thing over and over again, it’s insanity when you expect the results to be different. Therefore, I’ve learned that I will no longer fight a battle that I have to fight alone. If my partner isn’t fighting with me to make the relationship work, why must I fight for it? I would just be foolish wouldn’t I? If I’m not appreciated for the sacrifices that I make, why should I put in more effort?

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. When someone says that they love you. No matter how angry they are at you, they will never tell you to F Off or use profanity towards you because they would have respect for you. And no excuse will quantify the usage of any form of verbal abuse towards a love one. Respect is very important in any relationship. It’s infact what relationships are built on. Plus, how difficult is it to bite ones tongue and stop one from uttering hurtful words? It’s not difficult as I’ve done it many times. Plus, I’m a firm believer of, “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything…”

I’m going to emphasize this again. Love with the right person would feel easy and natural. Love with the wrong person on the other hand would feel like a battlefield every day. You wouldn’t want to feel like you’re walking on a landmine field. I know how that feels and I wouldn’t want anyone to go through what I had to go through. That being said, I stayed and I would have until the day I died because I loved him and I was committed to the relationship till he decided that he didn’t want us anymore. It wasn’t easy for me on some days but, I know that I’m not an easy person to be with either because I’m a perfectionist and I have my many imperfections as well but I did love with my whole heart and gave it my all that’s why every fight just chipped away at my heart. I know it’s not entirely my fault that the relationship didn’t work but, sometimes when I see happy married couples, it makes me wonder was I really that bad, or even unlovable that he didn’t want us to be together anymore.

But, that being said, I know he has his demons to fight and I shouldn’t blame myself because many people have told me over the years that whoever that ends up being loved by me would be very lucky and I truly believe in it as well. I’m a nice person with a huge heart and I’m capable to love strongly, passionately and deeply. I just haven’t found someone who wants to spend their lifetime with me yet.

I’m currently hustling a few jobs to make ends meet because I got scammed about a week ago and I lost all my savings. That being said, I’m still fighting and I still believe in hope. I’m excited for tomorrow and where this journey brings me. I’m thankful for the true friends that I have that have reached out to me with food and all. I’m truly blessed that I have them in my life.

XoXo, VA

2021, 5 Months In…

The year is 2021, the month is now May. 5 months into the year. You know how most people are saying that we need a reset button for 2020 or a refund for the year as it was just almost total BS? Well, 2021 is starting to look like another loop of crazy. Well, atleast in my opinion as I’ve been dealt some horrible cards the first few months of the year. I was truly disappointed and deeply hurt because my dreams and hopes were shattered just like that. But, there is some positive out of it though. It’s like I’ve been given a second chance in the love department. LOL. This time, I’m going to choose wiser. I’m only going to let someone who is worthy and deserving of my love in.

Work has been moving forward. I’ve acquired some new clientele which is good. I have some new roles to work on. Let’s close some roles and make that money!! 😀

I can’t help but miss my Mom more recently due to my Birthday, Mother’s Day and her Birthday that’s coming up very soon. I hope that you’ve been well my Dearest Mom. Please forgive me for the tears that I’ve shed over the months. I know you wouldn’t want to see me sad but, how can I not miss your presence. We used to chat and speak to each other every other day and I love the way you used to laugh about things and nag me about things. I miss your love and caring nature.

I’m still on the fence about getting the C-19 Vaccination as there’s a few options now. To wait and get Pfizer sometime next year or to volunteer for AstraZaneca or Sinovac? Choices… I really dunno TBH. But, if that’s the only way for me to travel, I’ll have to eventually take it no matter what as Boy, I really want to fly. The last time, I flew internationally was in 2016. That was freaking long ago. Can you imagine, it’s been almost 5yrs since I last left this country? Damn!!

I’m starting to miss being able to just travel. Remember how it was Pre-C-19 Days? If you wanted to travel, all you would need is your passport and air tickets mainly. Now, you need to fill up a gazillion forms, get C-19 tested prior to your flights and follow so many freaking SOPs (Standard Operating Procedures). Will we ever go back to how it used to be? As it’s now a year plus that we’ve been having to live in this C-19 times. I think it makes many wonder and ponder this issue.

On a different note, is this a blessing in disguise that this happened or is it a curse? I think most will say the later. Well, for me I think if it wasn’t for it, I wouldn’t have seen some peoples’ true colours and I would most likely still be stuck in a hurtful relationship.

That being said, do you think this pandemic has made people drift apart by the different challenges that it brings with it or does it make people appreciate each other more and drive people closer in the process? I know that this tests relationships especially those in LDRs (Long Distance Relationships) as flying is way trickier than it used to be. If you’re in one now, how long will you be willing to wait for your partner? If it was me, my answer would be, no matter how long it will take. I will patiently wait and, I’d surely keep intouch over Videocalls, Voicecalls and Texting for sure. Thank God and the brilliant minds behind those awesome interactive apps.

How’s your 2021 been for you? I’d like to hear about it in the comments below.

XoXo, VA

The Relationship That We Deserve…

Love is many things and being in a relationship is supposed to be easy and you should not have to guess where you are going next. I want a love where we build each other up through our declaration of commitment for each other. A love that makes us continually grow to be better people together. I know that both of us can be unlovable and difficult at times. Instead of running in the other direction, let us be there for one another. I am tired of dealing with emotional unavailability and people running away when things get tough. Let us stick together through the good and the bad. I am 100% here to give what I can give for this relationship to work no matter what.

I want us to be able to have any conversation despite how random or weird it may be, where we can listen to one another without judgment. I hope we share a love where we do not need to keep score of each other’s mistakes and forgiveness is at the tip of our tongues. And when we forgive, we forget and move on from it, not holding any grudges or pulling it up during our next disagreement but instead, we discuss and resolve things together.

I want a mature kind of love, love that is always genuine, patient, and free from neediness. I want a relationship where there is a healthy amount of communication between us. If something is not going right, I want us to talk it to each other instead of about each other. I hope you know that you do not need to depend on me or anyone else to make you feel loved. I want you to grow independently, without having to need me so much that there is no room to breathe in this relationship. It is not love if we cannot have freedom from one another.

Let us be able to have the freedom to breathe in our own thoughts and feelings. I want a relationship where we are both secure enough to support each other’s dreams unconditionally. I hope that we are mature enough to fight for our love and to accept one another as who we are, not a personal preconceived ideal of how love should be.

XoXo, VA

Tribute Ink…

Most of you may know that I was very close to my Mom. We used to chat and talk to each other on a daily basis. We had disagreements of course but, we still love each other nevertheless. That’s what unconditional love truly is. One will learn to know the meaning of unconditional love when you have children. That being said when she left us on the 18th of December 2020, she took a huge part of me with her. I know that she hated it when I got inked but, I decided to get a tribute piece for her because I wanted to always have a piece of her with me and also as most of us know, getting an inked esp. a huge piece can be painful. The pain of getting a tattoo done to me has some form of therapeutic “treatment” to it. It still can’t compare to the pain of losing someone you love so dear for sure.

The session with Apoh, my tattoo artist was 3hrs this round and she will complete it by filling in the colours on my Mom’s birthday this year. This is the first piece ever that I needed 2 sessions to complete but, the diamond part of the piece is definitely intricate and it took alot of focus and time. She even took about an hour plus just to redraw things to make it right before she made the stencil for it.

Was it painful? Yes, it was but pain in a good way though. I know that not many people enjoy pain but, for me sometimes, feeling pain is a good thing because it reminds you that it’s real and that you’re still breathing. Btw, I love that Apoh was patient enough to make the piece awesome and that she leap out of her comfort zone to make something so beautiful. You can check her work out at: http://www.instagram.com/apohapoh

XoXo, VA