I hope that you are doing well wherever you may be now. I hope that you’re smiling and laughing because that’s how I want to remember you. Despite what you say, I always thought that you had a charming smile and I was addicted to your laughter as it was a form of assurance that I was doing something right. I’ve always wished that you could see you from my perspective and eyes because you were perfect to me. You were my perfect imperfection.
I will forever be grateful for the time and moments that we shared together. When you loved, I felt it as it made me feel warm and safe when you were by my side. I remember how it felt like to see my phone screen lights up and I see your name appear, it always made my day. The excitement was a piece of bliss to me. Also, everything I did I thought about you and us and every decision was made to include you. That was how important you were in my life.
The sacrifices you made for me, for us meant the world to me. Maybe I didn’t get to tell you enough. Thank you for being you. I’m sorry for failing you or hurting you in any possible way. Please know that it was the last thing I wanted to do.
If you could hear me or read this. This is for you. It’s been slightly over a month since you’ve left us. A day doesn’t go by without me thinking about you, missing you and our time together. I miss our daily conversations about almost anything under the sun. Honestly, somedays I still secretly hope that this was all just a dream, a bad dream that I’ll wake up from and you’ll still be here, healthy and doing well. I know that’s me being in denial about things.
I’m sorry for my breakdowns and tears. I can’t control them as much as I hate crying. You know I’ve never cried in public and always only cried when I was alone. But, you saw me crying a week before you left and you told me, “Don’t cry, don’t cry…” while you laid there in your hospital bed holding onto my hand. That was our last conversation we had before you stopped talking and laid there asleep for the balance of your numbered days.
To be honest, I regretted not cutting your nails for you 2 days before you left us, I really wanted to but, I forgot to bring the nail clipper to the hospital. I know your whole life you were very particular about your hair and your nails. I hope you’re not mad at me for not grooming your nails one last time. It makes me cry when I think that I failed to give you the best when I could have.
Also, I’m sorry that there were days when I just didn’t know what to say or do to make you feel better. I felt so lost and confuse when I saw you in the condition that you were in. But, I’m sure that your situation was tough to for you.
I know we have our differences and our bad days before your situation got bad but, we surely had our good moments and days where we laugh so hard and we were one happy family. You were always there with your hand out for me when I fell down. You scolded, nagged me but, forgave me and accepted me for my weaknesses as any good mother would do. Thank you for always being there for me, loving me unconditionally and making me the lady that I am today. I know when you’re mad at me, you used to say, “You failed as a mother…”. I want to tell you that you did not. You were a good mother that anyone would be lucky to call, “Mommy”. I was lucky enough to have you in my life and I wouldn’t changed it for anything but, only wished that you had a long life because there is so many more things that I wish I could have done for you.
I love you Mommy and I hope that someday you’ll give me a sign that you’re doing well and that we’ll meet again someday.