61st @ 03.06.2022

Happy Birthday!! Mom. Today would have marked your 61st Birthday celebration. We would have gone out for a nice lunch/dinner and you would have gotten a present from me as always. That being said, I hope that you liked the Homemade Rose Essential Oil Beeswax Candle that I made for you and the Red Roses that Dad got for you today.

I spoke to Aunty Jasmine before seeing you and she mentioned to send you her love and that she misses you dearly when I saw you. She also mentioned that she hopes that you enjoyed the conversation she had with you. You’ve been gone for 1.5 years now and it hasn’t been easy for the most of us. As you know that I miss you and our conversations very dearly but, I’ve started to accept the fact that you’re in a better place and that you’re no longer suffering in pain. As you know, I’ve been better at living my life the way that you would have wanted. I’m coping the best way, that I could. I’m starting to learn to laugh and smile again. Keeping busy with running the multiple companies/businesses has been a much needed distraction.

Jimmy and Eddy also send their regards and they hope that you’re doing good up there. As you can tell that you left a huge impact even on my friends that you’ve only met once or twice. You are remembered dearly by many for the good aura that you always exuded and the kindness in your soul. You left a huge mark on this earth despite only being here for 59+ years. I’m proud that you are my Mom and I can only hope that I could be half the lady that you were – always helping those around her especially those that needed it. You were always giving, never a taker and your jokes truly light up the room. I love you Mom and I miss you so much. I hope that you’re having a good birthday celebration with your family and friends that are up there with you, laughing and just being the angel that you truly are.

Thank you for always looking out for me. It’s true that a parent’s bond with their child can’t and will never be broken. It’s an unconditional love that knows no boundaries.

XoXo, VA

Thank You…

Dear You,

I hope that this finds you well. I hope that you have learned to let go of the past, the pain and everything in between. The truth sometimes hurt but, it’s better to know the truth instead of living a lie. Well, atleast that’s how I choose to see things. My only request was to never lie to me no matter how difficult or hurtful it may be to tell me something; because being lied to, being deceived will hurt me more at the end of the day as it will come off as betrayal. Betrayal of my trust – in you, betrayal of my feelings as a person who truly cares about you. I was there for you when you needed me the most and you were there for me too, when it mattered, in the past. I think that time and moment is just… history now.

The little history that we shared for a brief moment in time. They say that we meet certain people in our lives for a reason, a passing moment and we may even learn a lesson or two from this encounter but, sometimes those people aren’t meant to be in our lives for the long run but, just for a passing moment.

Maybe, that was our fate. Remember the thin red string story that I told you about? The old Chinese belief? Maybe our strings were always tied to other people but, somehow we met each other for a brief moment because our strings got entangled by mistake. We were happy for a moment. Well, I know that I was truly happy. You gave me something to look forward to, maybe even a future. Whatever you may want to call it… I am thankful for the time and moments that we had. The tough ones and the good ones as it felt like we truly cared about each other and we would have withstand the test of time and whatever that may come. You even said that, with me you felt that you could finally be yourself, no need for lies which was refreshing as I’ve always accepted you for you.. No judgements about your past, the present and the future.

XoXo, VA

Falling In Love…

Falling in love, one of the most euphoric feelings you can have. We all fall in love at some point in time. Maybe some more than others. Signs that you’re falling in love are:

You feel adventurous

You’re intensely curious about them

You feel their pain

You’re full of date ideas

You forget your other priorities

You crave sex

You feel like moving really fast—or slow with them

You enjoy sex more

You’re more affectionate

You feel positive about the future

You worry about things

You’re glued to your phone

You can’t stop smiling

You feel more love for others

You daydream

You feel like a better person

You feel safe

With love, you’re taking a risk with your heart as we don’t know what this new found love holds for us, in a week, in 6 months time or years down the road. But, love is a risk worth taking as the famous quote from Alfred Lord Tennyson, “’tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” is particularly relevant.

Some relationships will last and others aren’t meant to. As hurtful as that may sound, I believe that we meet different people at different points in time for different reasons and purposes. Some will stick around through your difficult times and some will leave us with a broken heart. Some say that love is easy with the right person. I wouldn’t say easy but I would say that with the right person, it’s more worth your effort and time as they are atleast on the same page as you and they are also fighting by your side to make things work with you. Love definitely needs effort and nurturing for it to blossom into something that would lasts the test of time. But, whatever may come and happen, I believe that we all can learn a thing or two from the relationships that we’re in or was in at one point in time. So, it’s definitely not a waste of time hence I believe in giving your all or nothing at all when you want to be with someone.

XoXo, VA

What No One Tells You About Losing A Parent…

Saying your final goodbye is never easy. If I had to choose between bidding farewell and studying on end to take difficult exams for the rest of my life, I would choose the later. That just says alot about how difficult and how much I dread the inevitable farewell.

So, what do I wish I was taught or told about what losing a parent was like? I wish someone would have told me how difficult and painful it would be. I think every child that loves their parents dread the day that they have to bid that final goodbye. Well atleast it feels very final until we meet again. We can only hope for that, to be reunited with our loved ones on the opposite site.

Nothing prepared me for losing my Mom last year. Despite, secretly mourning her earlier on since she started suffering. Seeing her in pain was truly tough. The day she passed, I didn’t cry but, I remember that despite how physically exhausted I was that night, I couldn’t sleep a blink. I couldn’t explain why. Maybe, my body was adapting to the shock. Then the following 3 days, it was her Wake at the Church and then final goodbye and cremation. I cried during the final goodbye when they pushed her in to be cremated. That being said, I still went on days and weeks in denial that she’s gone despite knowing the truth. I just felt if I didn’t acknowledge it, it wouldn’t be true and I would still be able to hold her hand and talk to her.

My Mom was a huge part of my life since I was born because my Dad told my Mom to stop working and just look after the house and me and he would provide for the family. There was a point when I was around 10 when my Mom was considering to go back to work but, I remember I was so used and comfortable having her at home that I told her not to. I loved having my Mom there when I get home from school. Mom was a really good cook and she made it a point to clean the house, cook and do laundry. We only went out to eat on the weekends. She was a dedicated Homemaker, Wife and Mom. I really hope that I can be half of her when it comes to cooking and looking after the family. She has set the bar high in that department.

It’s been 6 months since she left and I’m still mourning her dearly. I find myself breaking down every now and then from missing her and wishing that I could have done more for her. I have to admit that when she was around and when she would nag me, I wished she would stop but now, I find myself missing her nagging. What I would do to have her nag me about my health, the way I look and so much more now. I know that she nagged because she cared and that was her way of making sure I was on the right track.

I wished I spent more time with her in the kitchen when she was still cooking as I took that for granted. I miss her Sabal Fried Fish, Herbal Soup and Japanese Cucumber with Lemon and Chili. I miss everything about my Mom. Now, whenever I hear that my friend’s Mom cooked this dish and that, I truly envy them. It also hurts when I hear that someone isn’t close to their parents. I find it difficult to understand because despite the differences and disagreements that I constantly had with my parents, I still love them very much and I just can’t imagine not spending whatever free time I had with them because I’ve always knew that they wouldn’t live forever despite I wish it wasn’t so.

We’re not promised tomorrow and when someone is gone, you can’t do anything about it then. Someone once said that we only regret the things we didn’t do and not the things that we did. Despite, spending all that time with my Mom, I still have regrets of the things that I couldn’t do for her because she truly deserves so much more.

I can tell you that with each passing day, the missing and wishing that they were still around doesn’t go away. It doesn’t get easier either but, you’ll eventually learn to adapt to the changes despite the huge void that they left behind. I’ve been trying to fill the void that my Mom left in my life with trying new things. I think I’ve experimented with so many new things including my look and the things that I’ve been laying of doing, I’m getting around to finally. I’m trying my best to continue living despite somedays, it feels like there’s nothing to look forward to. I miss talking to my Mom and telling her my daily experiences and encounters.

I don’t think anyone could ever tell you what to expect and what to do because the missing, the feelings comes in waves.

XoXo, VA